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  • Jessica Chase

Changes

Updated: Mar 1

I've recently had a lot of changes in my life. Change can be a scary thing but it shapes you and molds you into something new. I have faced health crisis after health crisis and from experience I can tell you that the things most people are worried about, those inconveniences or "problems" pale in comparison to living the nightmare of the unknown. Countless times I have been faced with the possibility that my life could be over for good. Everything I've worked for and everything I AM gone. My two beautiful girls would be left wondering where their mom went and my family would be completely devastated. It is hard to accept that I may never be cured. I suffer from kidney failure caused by autoimmune disease. Iga nephropathy, the words are burned into my mind permanently. When I was diagnosed I was convinced I would never see the day my kidneys failed. I thought I could make some changes, really focus on my health and I would continue on with life as usual leaving this whole scare behind me. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and I was faced with dialysis. Most people know the word dialysis and what it refers to but to know what it entails and to live it is entirely different. I was given options. The recommended modality was peritoneal dialysis. It was pitched to me as an amazing option that would allow me to do my treatment at home. It was said to be a better option than hemodialysis because I would be getting treatment every night as opposed to three times a week. I was scheduled for the placement of my PD catheter a while in advance. It wasn't until the night before the surgery that it really hit me: I am sick and I am no longer free. This fact was solidified by the "leash" every night that attached me to that machine. As a mom of two girls under five I began to feel the anger that stemmed from what I could no longer provide... what I could no longer be for my girls. CKD was taking away little pieces of me everyday. I stayed on PD for about a year and a half. I collapsed at home one morning and dialed 911. I barely made it to the hospital and they later told me I had failed PD, like it was a college course. I had another surgery to place my hemodialysis port. I've been doing hemodialysis for about 6 months now. I continue to face challenges. I am no longer with my husband of seven years, I am struggling with my insurance and have been taken off the transplant list, I have no live donors lined up and I don't know how I will make it through all of this. All I know now is that I will show up everyday for my girls and I will fight. I understand how precious life is and I will not take it for granted. I cannot change the fact that my kidneys failed but I can tell my story. I can help others to understand that life doesn't go the way we plan and that's okay because embracing what is allows freedom from expectations, freedom from control and that is a beautiful awakening. <3




#new #old #change

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